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[30 Oct 2001|08:04am]
i feel like i should be getting something done, but i don't have anything to do. school kind of scares me. i don't really like it all that much. it's like highschool but you have alot more freedoms and the teachers aren't as forgiving.
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[27 Oct 2001|09:25pm]
[ mood | none ]

sex was really easy.
sex was everywhere.
it really didn't mean to much.

love was the hard thing to find, even if you were looking for it, which not too many people were.
and even if you found it, which not too many people did.
even if it was right there in front of you.

how could you even see it, with all the sex in the way?









xoxo

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second thoughts on after thoughts [24 Oct 2001|09:02pm]
letters here. letters there. do you care?
nothing can come of this. what is it with you and it?
i'm not really sure what you're trying to say. word, movement, what is it...nothing forms, nothing escapes, you're down there. i don't know you anymore, you're not in with it, you lost what you had, why don't you just give it up you're no good. no good. i'm ahamed of you. those words, they come out but you don't know what they mean, they form confusion in the back of my mind. where are you? i'm talking about you. sitting right there. think. what do you mean? what do you want? what's your name?
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[24 Oct 2001|12:09pm]
do you know where she is?
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[27 May 2001|02:36pm]
i have found the key to happiness in life.

[26 May 2001|05:16pm]
i have to go graduate in 1:15. and then i'm done. then it's party time. it's going to be a long night i think. hopefully.

i wish you all a happy night.
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[26 May 2001|12:52am]
[ mood | high ]

my legs are tired. i'm really tired. i need to go to bed. ok so amy would always talk about how good rainer maria was so good. she wears a shirt she got at a show sometimes. she also wears a shirt she made that has pictures of her brother on it. and it says how he can play and that he's a rockstar. it's a cute shirt. and she wears a weezer shirt sometimes. and she always wears that jean jacket and those jeans, that aren't exactly blue, i like them alot. and she has shoes alot like my new balances. and she just got a pair of these red snake skin shoes, and they are really nice, she looks nice in them. so anyways...amy always talks about rainer maria, whenever music comes up between me and her. and i've listened to them before, and thought that they were good, and this weekend i decide to download more than the two songs i had. i've fallen in love with them. maybe it's because of amy, who knows?

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[25 May 2001|01:10pm]
i'm alone. i have to work from 4:30 to 10:30 tonight and 5 to 10:30 tomorrow. i really am bored with everything now. i need to find a hobby.
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[23 May 2001|03:38pm]
i'm done with school. i really don't have to go back at all if i don't want to. i probably will for graduation. and for senior awards. i'm not as happy as i could be. i want to see her more. i won't get any more chances. maybe it's a good thing but i doubt it. it could be the happiest day of my life, but i miss her already. it'll be ok i'm sure it will, the hurt will only last for a couple of weeks after the last time i see her.

i don't have my cds. they're lost forever. i miss them too.

these next couple of days are going to be tough, getting used to not having school anymore.
i'm going to go sufficate my misery now, talk to me if you get the chance, i've got some things i've been dying to tell you.
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[22 May 2001|03:34pm]
it was my second to last school day. it could have been perfect...i could have gone and everything could have gone seamlessly together. classes and such. but i took my cd's to school today, for piano class so i had a audio aid for my report and so i just took my case of them, it would have been a pain to get one or two out and put them in their cases. and i could have gone to piano class and everyone could have listened to my music and we could have just sat there and listened after everyone was done with their reports. and i could have taken them tomorrow and we would have the whole class period to listen to them. but i took them to wood shop and set them on the shelf where you're supposed to put your things--their books their coats, everything. so i went to work and when i got ready to go i looked over and they were gone, all of my cds. every single cd i own apart from the 3 i gave the graduation person so they could put it on a video with my pictures and one i gave to jenny to listen to. other than that all of my cds. my 2week old dashboard cd. 2 of my elliot smiths. my koufax. my boy sets fire. my comp with some really good songs. 2 of my get up kids. my dashboard, a staple in my cd changer. my jimmy eat world. my smashing pumpkins. my reggie and the full effect, that i just got back from matt losing it. my 238. all of my cds.

ok when it comes to emotions, i'm a stone. i could care less about anything. i'd rather not pay attention. it's really hard for me to cry in normal crying situations. but my cds...when i told someone they got stolen i would seriously get choked up and about start crying. they are almost everything to me. and someone goes and steals them. i will break every person at that schools goddam legs if that is what it takes to get my cds back.

i've got 9 suspects: dani mosier. sean rawlins. matt viner. chris kilebrew. colt wright. daniel logan. troy donath. jeff skaggs. mr. spears.

they will be the first. then i'll just go after everyone. it's not right. i feel violated.

it could have been wonderful...
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[21 May 2001|09:31pm]
i had school today and it was ok. i think it's because it's not warm yet that i don't realize i'm gettin gout of school in two days. i remember every year it'd get really hot at school but not this year i had to wear a jacket today because it was cold. i took a nap after school until my mom woke me up before she left and then j-rod came over and i showed him some flowers and then we smoked and talked endlessly about nothing and then we went inside and watched ally mcbeal. then i cooked some cinnamon rolls and...
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[20 May 2001|12:58am]
work wasn't all that bad today. i got out of there right at 10. i have to sing early tomorrow morning. and then i have the day to myself. and that's all. i've got a senior breakfast on monday and graduation practice. then i don't have anything for the rest of the week until friday when i have to work and saturday when i graduate from highschool...
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[19 May 2001|11:21pm]
i woke up at 2 today. i had to work at five and i went there and the absolute worst table came in...nine people, making it too large for the tables we already have put together so we had to move some which sucks because then you have to move them back. and they ordered 3 pizzas. a taco pizza was one of those three. now the thing with taco pizzas are they suck. we don't stcok tomatoes because of the weather or something and we don't have plain lettuce, so someone has to go and buy them. and then i have to cut them. tomatoes hurt my hands. whether i have sensitive skin or whatever they hurt. at my old job i had to cut tomatoes every day and my hands broke out and it was really bad, it'd be on the sides of my fingers and they would be red and all broken out. i would find myself waking up and itching them because they hurt so very much. that's why i don;t like to cut tomatoes. and that's why i hate taco pizzas. it's the only thing that i really have to prepare. and they ordered coffee. now the thing with coffee is that, you don't drink coffee with pizza i don't care what it is, coffee is hot and not good with pizza. and i have to make the coffee. and i don't like to do that. and it sucks serving it. and on top of all that they didn't leave me a tip. i spent a good 20 minutes just getting their stuff ready. and then they left and all their stuff was on the floor. that's another thing. if you drop something pick it up!. don't just leave it lying around. and if you have something you don't want throw it away don't put it somewhere id oesn't belong. people put straw wrappers in dishes and containers and stuff and i'm like there's a trash can right there, throw it away. and i find napkins next to the bathroom doors. and i'm like how does a napkin get there? it doesn't, so you had to have puposely dropped it there for it to be there, so pick it up.








i hate people.
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[19 May 2001|11:17pm]
last night i worked, until about 8 i think. and then i came home and sat around and then i rented a movie and went by work to see if this kid wanted to watch it with me. and then i ordered a pizza and came home and waited. we watched the movie. and then he left. then some other people showed up and he came back. and i don't know what was going on but he seemed awfully upset, i think he had a breakdown in my livingroom. all the while i was just sitting in the kitchen waiting for everyone to leave. i went outside and sat in my garage. i watched them look for me. and then they left and i sat there. and then i went to sleep.
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[17 May 2001|09:34pm]
remember when you were little and you'd be playing outside and it'd be hot and then all of the sudden a cloud would go over your head and then it'd be nice and cool. and then it'd go away and another one would come, and again it'd be nice under the cloud?
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[17 May 2001|04:47pm]
i got my hair cut a little bit ago. i don't like to get my hair cut. i like to do things with pretty girls i like. not get my hair cut by men i don't know.
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[08 May 2001|05:13pm]
i've come to the conclusion that i can not say anything and everything will just go on without my input. take lunch for example:
dan comes over and asks if i want to hang out tonight and i say i don't know so i guess he assumes that as a yes so ali comes over and asks is it ok if people come over to your house and watch a movie and i say i don't know and she says well dan said it was ok if we did. and dan says do you need to think about it and i'm like yes and then ali decides she doesn't want to come over .
so i did say something but it's the minimal approach that works because now i don't have to do anything tonight.
i've got six days of school left. i'm so very happy. i've got a feeling that this summer will be a good one.
i've got time to waste so here is my summer schedule which is still open to change but this is just about what it's going to be...

may
16:last day of regular scheduled school.
17-18:finals (i'm not sure if i'll have to take any. i might have to take one if i've dropped a letter grade from the last nine weeks.
23:senior awards and graduation practice.
26:graduation at 7:00 p.m. (tell me if you want a ticket to come see me.)
27-31:party,party,party.

june
1-15: party,party,party.
16-24: going to texas to sing with the choir.
25-(?): get ready to go and go driving for a long period of time.

july
(after i get home)
find a good time to carry out my experiment on sleep.
and party the nights away, wasting all of my money on drugs and alcohol so as not to have any money for college. (i've already got my meals paid for so all i'll need to worry about is toothpaste, deodorant, all the non-essentials)
then get ready for college and go and that'll be the end of my summer.

august is in there somewhere.

it will be the best summer ever. i'm sure it will be.
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[29 Apr 2001|12:14am]
i've got $39.94 and a bad attitude.
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perfection takes a little more time... [28 Apr 2001|11:51pm]
yeah work basically sucked as hard as it could tonight. i got there and there were already two tables. and then someone called and said they'd have a party of eight and right after they got there and i served them their food another party came in of about eight and so that sucked. and all these little tables came in. it was never really busy at one single time just busy all night. and so i get the parties out of the way after another one comes in of about 6ish. and so i think i finally can get the dishes done of all the tables but more tables just keep coming and chris is just sitting talk with people for about an hour and a half and he comes back at about 9 and then the junior highers show up and so i can't get anything done because they keep coming through the door so i have to check to see if it's an actual table. and the the die off and my last two tables leave around 10:15--15 minutes after we closed in the dining room and i'm trying to get things done so i can leave and chris is like it's 11:00 you shouldn't still be here you weren't that busy and i'm like i was busy (while i'm thinking in my head "if you were chit chatting out there i wouldn't have had to bust my ass all night long) and all he does is tell me i need to sweep really well and make sure the salad bar is spotless because lisa comes in on sunday's and she's a bitch and all she can do is complain. and i'm like you want me to be gone but you ask me to make everything perfect. i finally got out of there at 11:30. chris is an ass and he talks forever and thinks he can come back and work and help me with the dishes that the delivery boys have made and make everything better. well it doesn't change the fact that you are a lazy asshole that doesn't do his job and makes kevin work twice as hard. fuck you you goddam son of a bitch. and the movie i want to rent isn't in yet and the other nmovie place won't let me start an account because all i have is a driver's license and my older bother left the account with an $11 late fee so they closed it.
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[27 Apr 2001|03:35pm]
i'm sick. i can't taste anything. i can't smell anything. i have to work tonight at 6 and i really don't want to. i've got big plans for this weekend...sleep, eat, watch some movies alone, rinse and repeats.
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